Period.

once a month
im freed from confinement
proclaimed emancipated from my mental ward
allowing my heart to finally flutter freely
allotting time just enough
for us
once a month
to bond without bondage
& get in touch
to exchange knowledge
& just
truly get to know each other
once a month
without the uttering of my judgmental mind
oppressing my heart
by internally discriminating against its God given right
to feel free

once a month
i look forward to hormonally harmonizing with my heart
syncing its rhythm with the womanly woes
i never disclose
in order to prevent being a burden
and being emotionally exposed
connoted as weak
because i'm "such a girl"

so i pose with poise
as "one of the boys"
only pardoned to be a female
once a month...

a simple sentiment...

i dont write for me...i write for those who need a mouthpiece to speak the words they cannot put together for themselves. i speak life to what people think but are too afraid to say...my writings epitomize the seeds for understanding of what is typically misunderstood; for those who are just as lost by their own misconstruities as i am.

80/20: Pick Your Poison

so everyone knows what the 80/20 rule is rite?

"just 80 percent of what you want in a relationship is hard to find so be content with it...don't leave the 80 percent that you already have that for a 20 percent you want for the moment in order to reach the ever elusive 100 percent."

BUT...what constitutes an 80 percent?

here's my theory...

#1. an 80% isn't what is easy:

anything REALLY worth it in life doesn't come without work, but because we live so much in the fast-paced now people tend to want what will bring them happiness the quickest & least involved. however, an 80% will make you work for the 80% as if he/she is 100%

#2. an 80% accepts you but does not enable you:

i am a strong believer in the one you are ultimately supposed to be with is supposed to help you to positively grow and evolve...not be dependent or controlling but inspire you to want to look inwardly and discover your true self.

#3. an 80% loves you unconditionally but will let you go if needed:
someone who is mostly what you want/need will love you as much as he/she can but will not allow him/herself to become so consumed in you that he/she cannot let go despite the circumstances. not letting go is ultimately selfish and an 80% understands that even though the actions of his/her heart may not reflect said understanding.

#4. an 80% has an unforced, undeniable connection never to be compared to another:

i believe who is said to be your 80% connects with you on ALL levels...not just the one's that make you happy. he/she doesnt always agree with you but has the power to completely understand you at the same time...there isn't any other connection as strong.

#5. an 80% is the one who you struggle with the most:

just like how whoever your POSITIVE parental figures are, an 80% will be hard on you. an 80% will want to take care of you and please you but at the same time he/she will not allow those desires to cloud his/her judgement. if you are wrong...an 80% will let you know AND try to help you figure out how to help you help yourself. a lot of the time this comes across as he/she being difficult and controlling...but i've realized that the people who love you the most are the hardest on you because they want to see you be the best you can be...not for themselves, but for you. someone who REALLY loves you like an 80% should cannot sit back and watch you make unwise decisions just to avoid conflict. constructive conflict breeds communication...communication breeds understanding. true understanding...not blind agreeance for the sake of keeping the relationship together...breeds an 80%

in my opinion, a 20% is the lesser quality choice; the choice you choose because the 80% requires too much emotional investment and risk. it's like if you have the choice to invest 80% of your money or 20% of your money into the unknown, which one would you choose? both are risks but one requires more loss than the other if it doesnt work out. & most people in this day don't like to take a leap of faith for what they really believe...instead they pick what will make the chance of being wrong very slim.

although the 80% encompasses what you truly need in a healthy relationship...it does not always clearly expose itself as the most safe and secure choice; however security is what we all desire...and ultimately deserve. BUT...just because you are the one a person desires to be with does NOT secure you as the 80%...you can just as well be the emotionally easier, more convenient, least opposing 20% that i believe most people end up settling for falsely counting it as 80% confusing what is "easy" and what "works" with the "right choice." however, love is not a business deal where you CHOOSE who you want based off of who has the best resume projecting the easiest prospective future. granted, the qualities a person possesses in regards to compatibility & building a future definitely matter but because people often fear strong connections beyond just what can be contributed, where the passion isn't just superficial, they CHOOSE what suffices for their rationale rather than what satisfies their heart. if you are a deemed as "the smarter CHOICE" then you are the 20%

what you want isn't always what you need but what defines the two are often interchanged...therefore confusing the qualities of an 80% with qualities of a 20%

80% is quality with risk...20% is superficial security.

pick your poison...

Express Train

i went throught a lot of friends over the years. i learned early what a REAL friend is...and isnt.

i wonder what my first love is up to...havent heard from him since april :o/

shawn.

when someone im really close to consumes my thoughts it usually means they're goin through something or the consumption is mutual. i hope it's the latter.

i pray you're ok...

who says your soul mate is the one you're supposed to be with? i no longer believe in that.

when i was younger my grandmom used to ask me if i was on speed a lot...that's kinda messed up. just a little bit :o/

when i clean i feel brand new.

i want some new shoes!!! :o)

i really hope this isnt about to be my reality...i dont think i can bear to do it again.

nobody babied these babies when they were actually babies so it seems like we have to baby them now to get through to them...it's like the only way to teach these kids. *smh*

looking at pictures of when i was younger makes me wanna cry for some reason.

i need to let my words sob for me really soon 'cause my tear ducts are so backed up from not allowing myself to cry & i fear what may come of my psyche if i let this carry on...

numb.

the more you do me dirty the less i feel it when you do...im thinkin that may actually be more bad than good.

honestly...i don't feel bad for you & your hurt feelings...you deserve every ounce of pain your heart feels right now.

you have no idea what you did to me.

i miss my mommy :o/

i wonder what my life would be like if she were still here...

pretty wings.

i fear i'll ultimately be alone 'cause i refuse to settle longterm.

everything i do, down to how i feel is well thought out & has reason...even the stupid shit

life is nothing but a series of choices.

either you will or you wont, you do or you don't ...it's that simple.

i feel what i feel like feeling when i feel like feeling it...i just learned how to do that.

when will you let me go? seriously.

this too shall pass.

too much of ANYTHING can ultimately be bad for you...& yes, this statement also applies to what's said to be "good for you"

i wonder if you pushed me away because you were afraid of our connection...

you didnt have to do that...i was afraid too.

twisted turmoil of tainted tears.

i have a thing against capital letters...i feel that they mess up the asthetics of a sentence.

i. dont. know.