Ezra W.

my fish died last night.

choking on tears, i flushed his unmoving body this morning
DOA
his name was Ezra, by the way
he was my first
and i loved him
i haven't had a living being close to me die in a very long time
i wasn't ready
and i know, a fish's death is probably a trivial matter to many
but Ezra's signified something much deeper...

almost everything that we had is succumbing to expiration.

toe-tagged and bagged
labeled "do not resuscitate"
it's scary that we now have a cemetery in the place of our castle
filled with innocent casualties
as our foundation sinks beneath our feet
do we go down with it or do we abandon this place?
God is forcing our hands to create a new beginning,
but where?
we must decide
before we're the only life left to be stabbed with this fork in the road
we're blessed to be spared for last
but we can't continue to take advantage of our martyrs
our plan wasn't to breed for death, right?
too much love lives here.

It's Always Love

i refuse to change who i am 
when i'm in love

because it's all i have

my passion

my devotion

my ability to get under the skin

it's what truly makes me 

me

so opened and so honest

nothing a secret 

my guts spilled everywhere 

regardless of the mess

because i live to transfuse my man with strength

hard truths and tough times of the world 

never to consume him

since at home im there to put things into perspective 

build him back up

sometimes with a tongue lashing

but it's always all love

tough love we all need sometimes 

to be reminded that the world doesn't owe us 

anything

we owe the world

we owe each other

& i owe my man the love needed to handle that

all of the love i can give

the best ways i know how

if for no other reason, simply because he's my best friend

so i refuse to change who i am

when i'm in love

because it's all i have

imperfectly honest

devoutly real

insanely faithful

love 

is all i have

thinking out loud...

think.

analyze.

re-think.

anger.

rationalize.

sadness.

rationalize.

re-think.

analyze.

how could you?

re-think.

did you?

process…

nah.

but, what if?

rationalize.

GET BEHIND ME SATAN.

2-Ply

hormones.

alleles.

chromosomes.

nature feels.

i

want

in.

underneath my skin...

deep within the tissues where i would hide between its layers when i didn't want anyone to see me shedding.

"suck it up," i'd tell myself as i held my breath, balled up the issue, & tucked in the grief.

no real proof that people could see 

since everyone thinks the weight "looks good" on me.

but i'm only plump in these places because there's no more room left on my shoulders.

so many pounds of tissue clinging to my fragile frame.

threatening to burst at seams i never used to have, 

stretching my skin, 

spreading me thin.

but i

want

in.

i need in.

so i no longer consume my feelings.

i lighten up & burn them into the atmosphere instead,

addicted to the fervor in which they burn back. 

in love with the pain of working out my kinks

and feeling myself.

thinking out loud...

...& now here you are, saying sorry again. but the flowers from last time haven't even died yet.