Wishful Thinking

i remembered us today
watched us as an outsider for once
what happened to us?
the us
that used to talk under the stars
basking in their illuminous present
indulging in the presence of each other
all night

you were so tasteful

and everytime i smiled
my chest would hurt from how much you made my heart blush
as it tried to mirror that smile i loved so much
that smile you would emit
each time i would spit some intellect you didnt expect
back when
your kisses were my drug
and your love was my therapy
back when
i would have to pinch myself in the midst of my dreams
just to make sure i wasn't still awake
'cause you were the first to caress me mentally
initially
before trying to get under my skirt
to unearth the most celestial dessert
that would ever grace your lips

you became my bestfriend
and i don't know where he went

im lost

trying to trace my steps back to where i could've lost you
before you lost yourself
before i could find you

but today

as the first few chapters of our story
premiered on the tear-stricken interior of my eyelids
i realized we haven't been hiding
we died before we made it past the prologue
with only our remains on the remaining pages

empty.

the spirit of who we were
transcended to heavenly memories
...gone to a safe place

but do you ever wish they could be resurrected?
i do.

so hold hands with me
as we walk through the valley of the shadow of our death
facing the place where we took our last breath
and finally unbury these burdens we suppressed
in exchange for these empty holes in our chests
fill them with the memories of when we first met

revived.
renewed.
restored.

yea right...

those stars we used to lie under
weren't made for such wishful thinking

Face Me

how can you be so heartless?
...half of your heart is beating inside of me
you willingly placed it there
remember?
you passionately participated in this inception of life
as our lives intertwined in culmination of Love

how could you forget?

as this internal tomb strives
totally dependent on me to survive
where are you?
you mean Love HAS to die?
why?
to spare YOUR convience?
how convenient.
did you pick out the color of the casket already?
what shall we engrave on this stone we're casting...
"gone AND forgotten"?
'cause clearly you premeditated this murder

you never wanted Love to live
even if there weren't wordly worries to deter us

there's no love lost for you
no tears shed
no heartache
no protest
although you wanted me to believe different
which i did
misinterpreting your sighs of relief with sighs of grief
but now i know better

and i can't believe you

you'll never know what it's like to be in my position
bonding
attatching
embodied
from the very moment i unearthed this
but really?
Love isn't worth it
to you?
well...
i breathe this
EVERYday
while you abondon Love
like every man of my past
is this all life has
for me?
constantly chasing the back of people's heads
backs turned to reality
feet moving too quickly for me to keep up

i don't aspire to be a track star
i lose everytime

i don't want to run
i don't want to chase
i just want to see your face
facing mine
for once
since i'll never get the chance
to face Love

Sorry Love

can't talk about the superficial
let alone the deeper issue
so i leave all of the pain
in this tear soaked kleenex tissue
broken
by this impending dismissal
of Love

im falling to pieces

so unsteady
cant sleep heavy
with such a burdened heart
and such a heavy chest
my body is never at rest
tossing and turning in the night
trying to find comfort under this comforter
in the same spot where we conceptualized
our Love
never felt a premature spiritual attatchment
greater than this
life inside of death
who could picture it?

not me
not this

yet here i am

sick to my stomach
from swallowing these tears
so i wont drown in the misery
of never being able to bear the fruit of this labor

im sorry Love.

Angel In Disguise

i want to show you that i'm grown up now
no more games
no more lies
no more pains
no more cries
'cause as much as I try
to play like I’m tough
i'm still a slave
to your indentured love
it shackles my soul
and captures my mind
then takes me on an impeccable middle passage
of a one of a kind
impossible to find
unconditional love
see i lucked up
but i fucked up
now this metaphor of love
is a fading memory
and a fantasy reborn
now i'm left to mourn
over a premature phantasm unlived
and
every night
i watch the agonizing movie of our past
on the now tear stricken interior of my eyelids
i see in my mind
pain, lies and cries
as it rewinds
over and over again
but
i’m pressing stop now
let’s take it from the top now
i'm no longer afraid to admit it
‘cause I see now
matter fact
i saw it all along
yet singing the same song
knowing i did you wrong
and i’m sorry
from the bottom of my heart
i want a new start
so can you open your heart
open your mind
open your ears
and take the time
to listen

i see now...
you were truly a blessing

**written February 13, 2007

Dreaming Reality

i see
nothing
i hear
nothing

there’s no water

no food
no light
no people

i am alone

the air is thick
as starvingly grasp it
dying
to breathe

the ground is hot
on my bare feet
as the dry sand cuts
my sun burned toes

no trees
no shade

i am thirsty

i drink my thoughts
trying to survive
but the sun is melting my soul
til’ there is nothing
left

i try to think of home
the huge oak trees
in the spring
the cold wet rain
in the fall
but nothing is working
my mind is slowly
fading

and then...

i wake up
to my dreams