in·cep·tion (n.)

i plant the seeds of ideas in the minds of the gullible, & watch as they subliminally nourish them into precarious perennials of uncertainty with their own subconscious, destroying their psyche without even nursing the seeds i originally planted...

a.k.a. i'm a mental terrorist so DONT EFF WITH ME! =)

a simple sentiment...

i dance my pain away & write my tears astray...praying that one day i will be dancing with dry eyes & writing with joy in my heart.

Express Train

**inspired by Goldieee and her thought trains :o) ...go visit her blog Golden Touch please & thank you!

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He truly spoke life to me this morning

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thank God im not what i used to be

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i need to do some cleaning

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if you're not on the same page as me we cant be friends

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my friends are the family i never had

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my strength makes me weak

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last night was amazing

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i love jolly ranchers...the drink & the candy

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i miss my mommy more and more everyday :o/

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im emotionally bipolarly challenged

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i wish i could say "i love you" to my friends without feeling wierd

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dont just spring a hug on me...i need warning 1st

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i remember the 1st time i learned Colonel was pronounced like "kernel"

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my mommy taught me that :o)

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i forget to eat sometimes

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dont live so much in the moment that u forget to plan for the future

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every short cut proves itself to be the long road in the end

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please know...i only need you when it's convenient

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u were the 1st to make me really consider marriage...& then u made me REconsider it in the same breath

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im broken but im also healing

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ugh! these scars...

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i hate the skin i'm in

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im thinking about locking my hair :o)

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black is beautiful

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i need to add some color into my wardrobe

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twitter therapy is very liberating

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is there anything "inappropriate" to blog?

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labels piss me off

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labels have to face forward or else i'll snap on the unorganizational look of it

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DONT MESS UP MY BED...EVER!!!

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feet! ahh!!!

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im afraid of butterflies

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there's a reason for EVERYTHING i do...i never not think 1st

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i do a lot of things i dont really want to do & rationalize it in my mind just to get it over with...mind over matter

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too much of ANYTHING can be bad for you

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i cant wait to turn 21!

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love yourself...flaws & all. (easier said than done i know)

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everything has and needs a format

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i've always envied bamboo

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i dont eat pork but i LOVE bacon :^D

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"[i] dance my pain away"

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freewriting is very releasing

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LAST STOP.

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thanks Goldieee...im definitely going to do these more often than not. :o)

Bipolar Me.

-------i love food BUT i hate the mechanics of eating-------------------------------------------i'm a relationship type of person BUT i don't like relationships -----------------------------------------------i love being loved BUT i hate loving back -----------------------------------------------i like my sense of compassion BUT i hate being called sensitive -----------------------------------------------i like to cuddle BUT i don't like to be touched -----------------------------------------------i like to speak my mind BUT i dread verbally expressing myself -----------------------------------------------i love being by myself BUT i hate being alone -----------------------------------------------i hate being ignored BUT i'm afraid of attention -----------------------------------------------i love being misunderstood BUT i want people to understand me -----------------------------------------------i love life BUT i never live-----------------------------------------------i like to take things slow BUT i have no patience -----------------------------------------------i love learning BUT i hate to try new things-----------------------------------------------i love myself BUT i hate who I am -----------------------------------------------i like spontaneity BUT i hate not knowing -----------------------------------------------i love having control BUT i hate being controlling -------------------------------------------------------i care too much BUT i don't care at all -------------------------------------------------------i love my mind BUT i hate how much it thinks -------------------------------------------------------i love to smile & laugh BUT happiness scares me-------------------------------------------------------i hate losing BUT i'm always at a loss -------------------------------------------------------i love questions BUT i hate being questioned-------------------------------------------------------i love a good argument BUT i don't like arguing -------------------------------------------------------i have a lot to say BUT i'd rather say nothing -------------------------------------------------------i have a lot of emotions BUT i don't like to be emotional -------------------------------------------------------i love relating to someone BUT i don't like to have relations -------------------------------------------------------i want to feel BUT i don't want to catch feelings -------------------------------------------------i want to move on BUT i can't bear to truly forgive

i love the things I hate & hate the things i love

BUT

...that's just me.

**written January 26, 2010

Mind Sex

i wish you and i

could have sex

no

not proverbial sex

mind sex

encompassing all of the emotions

and all of the pleasures of

culmination

to have all that is sex

(or what ever lovers make)

but

save the physical

and

focus on my mental

unbutton my cognition

and

undress my mind

penetrate my thoughts

and

stroke the depths of my intellect

taste the sweetest pleasure

of exploring my ins and outs

while i blow

your mind

...

with how deep the capacity of my brain really goes

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**written July 29, 2008

Smoke Screen

although this feeling is incredibe
and our connection is undeniable
what our hearts yearn is so impossible
and we both know this
so we tune out our minds
by turning up the melody of our emotions
so high
so loud
so distracting
that we pay no attention to the world around us
...not even ourselves
so much that
we dont even realize the thermostatic valves of our own hearts
bursting under the pressure
pressure passionately rising
because our feelings are too intense to contain
too strong to fight
too boisterous to ignore
so overpowering that
regardless of any extenuating circumstance
we always end up in the same place
staring in the same face of the inevitably impossible
trying to make it our reality
because settling for this love as just a figment of our hopes
is not enough
not enough to satisfy our hearts' longing for each other
so we settle for our secret instead
our enigma still burning ever so brightly
behind these walls we built together
to contain a flame seemingly impossible to tame
let alone extinguish

our fire is truly our desire
and we paradoxically preserve it

the same flame that burnt us so badly
is the same flame we continue to protect and nourish
the same flame that continues to burn US time after time
is the same flame we refuse to let burn OUT instead
because we'd rather sacrificially burn out first
from exerting ourselves
trying to salvage nothing but a disguised demise
just to be able to say it still exists in our eyes
but why?

why are we willing to destroy ourselves to provide fuel
for the same flame that is ultimately destroying us?

if only walls could talk...
then the walls we built to preserve our once alluring flame
could talk some sense into us
and reveal how ugly this flame has actually become

...cleverly cloaked behind its own smoke

Why Not Just Pull The Plug?

they say, "if you love something or someone let it go & if it comes back then it's yours"

however. what if you let it go & it continually comes back but in chaotic cycles filled with passion, uncertainty & confusion...what does that mean? what does it mean when it keeps coming back to the love with lesser perks? what does it mean when the past, the present, and the presence-of has tainted any feasible future to figure out this dubious dynamic, yet it relentlessly returns to only be let go again....what does that mean?

what does it mean when the cycle continues to repeat itself only because the stop button is broken?...where the only buttons that function are pause rewind & play...in that order.

...why not just pull the plug?

SMH.

i cant bare to sleep after such an act as that
lying on my back
while lying 2 my tact
persuading my rightfully invasive mental
"no need to meddle. it's ok...just settle"
as it plead with my hibernating heart to
"please feel...just this once"

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED.

instead of forcefully subjecting myself
to such lust-filled lenience of emotionless convenience
& all for the self-gratifying spirit of a someone to whom i matter not
only to temporarily satisfy the lustfully pitiful pleading
of my dejected unrequited being

no real rightful reason
just loneliness

no emotion.
no attatchment.
not even mutual satisfaction.

SMH.

...that just meant abolutely NOTHING.

a simple sentiment...

i don't need to have a man's child to secure my place in his life or to ensure an unbreakable bond. see, i want to one day be referred to as "the mother of his child(ren)" ...not simply "his babymom"...& trying to force that security of "forever" through improper impregnation will surely land u in the babymomma zone.

just a simple sentiment...

a simple sentiment...

when people say powerful statements like "i wanna be with you and only you, so im here through whatever" where is the line drawn of when "whatever" is too much? i understand love is a powerful thing and it's said to have the capacity to overpower/overcome all...but if "all" hurts you ALL of the time, does that really count as being IN love? just because you'll take anything and everything from someone you feel you love doesn't always make it "TRUE love"...sometimes it's nothing more than mere dependency. & sometimes it's nothing more than a mere obsession with the idea of finding "true love" in the midst of this cold unloving world. yes, love is far from easy and yes, love may entail a lot of work but it should never be unilaterally forced...ever.

just a simple sentiment...

a simple sentiment...

when you've lived a childhood full of uncontrollable disappointment, any & every seemingly avoidable disappointment after that pretty much takes a huge toll on ur spirit...whether u want it to or not.

just a simple sentiment...

Just Live.

So I was thinking...

I need to stop sweating the small stuff and get to the point where I REALLY dont even care enough to muster up even a little bit of a f#?% to give to the miniscule issues I usually stress and worry about.

Life is too short to spend a majority of your time worrying about "what if" and racking your brain for the "right" answer. Especially since most of our choices are based solely on the socially constructed constraints of "right & wrong" that are stiffly bound by the double standards of societal morals & values. It's a pointless trial...and as humans, we dont possess the ability to pause reality any time we desire to over-think, re-think, and analyze EVERY decision. So just do what you feel IN your heart and feel what you do WITH your heart despite what other's may think, feel, or say because in the end, you're the ONLY one who knows what truly makes you happy. Just as much as they say "it's your funeral" it's also your life and it goes on awaiting nothing or nobody...not even you. so f it... just live.

glimpse (n.)

a glimpse, by definition, is an impermanent thing. so let's not just glimpse passionately into each other's eyes anymore...let's stare indefinitely into the face of the love behind them. 'cause just a glimpse of something as pure as love is not enough since there's always that time in between to look away...