thinking out loud...

i like to be attracted to the light.  i remember a time when all i would write about was my love-hate relationship for darkness. it's all dislike now. darkness is ugly. me and a good friend were talking about toxic relationships and as the topic was in the air; darkness loomed over us. i felt it. the universe was telling me that i was speaking bad things. the warning registered as it tapped a newly installed switch: awareness. awareness of more than just me, myself, & what I'M experiencing. im learning that the atmosphere really does speak to us, ever so softly. it responds. it absorbs. it lives and breaths whatever we put into it, completely reflective. & the more i become in tune with how i effect everything around me, the more I'm turned off by exuding negativity. negativity is nothing without people who speak it alive. darkness is nothing but a bunch of people hiding in the same spot attempting to blend in, so concentrated on each other that they don't realize everything else around them. all of the unoccupied negative space to be filled with individual positivity becomes invisible, just like the atmosphere. we end up not realizing that what we don't see is just as important as what we do see. i don't want that for myself anymore. I've removed myself. I'm currently investing in the materials i need to bring life to light. there's so much around us that needs attention other than our selves, so much to be rediscovered and cultivated. turn up the light and let's vibe! let's party! shots of love all around, on me.

Title Wave

car 

ship

music

traveling in time

head filled with your tune

melodic fumes

i don't care who can see

i'm not ashamed of what you do to me

you penetrate my bones

and move me from within

make me cross the line

and cause all around me to blur

fast

every atom that makes me me

thrusting and shaking so passionately

until im left inert

completely disoriented

no person or time to be placed

all control relinquished to foreign frequency 

don't make this safe

don't belt down the impact

don't wake me up

i welcome this crash

Ezra W.

my fish died last night.

choking on tears, i flushed his unmoving body this morning
DOA
his name was Ezra, by the way
he was my first
and i loved him
i haven't had a living being close to me die in a very long time
i wasn't ready
and i know, a fish's death is probably a trivial matter to many
but Ezra's signified something much deeper...

almost everything that we had is succumbing to expiration.

toe-tagged and bagged
labeled "do not resuscitate"
it's scary that we now have a cemetery in the place of our castle
filled with innocent casualties
as our foundation sinks beneath our feet
do we go down with it or do we abandon this place?
God is forcing our hands to create a new beginning,
but where?
we must decide
before we're the only life left to be stabbed with this fork in the road
we're blessed to be spared for last
but we can't continue to take advantage of our martyrs
our plan wasn't to breed for death, right?
too much love lives here.

It's Always Love

i refuse to change who i am 
when i'm in love

because it's all i have

my passion

my devotion

my ability to get under the skin

it's what truly makes me 

me

so opened and so honest

nothing a secret 

my guts spilled everywhere 

regardless of the mess

because i live to transfuse my man with strength

hard truths and tough times of the world 

never to consume him

since at home im there to put things into perspective 

build him back up

sometimes with a tongue lashing

but it's always all love

tough love we all need sometimes 

to be reminded that the world doesn't owe us 

anything

we owe the world

we owe each other

& i owe my man the love needed to handle that

all of the love i can give

the best ways i know how

if for no other reason, simply because he's my best friend

so i refuse to change who i am

when i'm in love

because it's all i have

imperfectly honest

devoutly real

insanely faithful

love 

is all i have

thinking out loud...

think.

analyze.

re-think.

anger.

rationalize.

sadness.

rationalize.

re-think.

analyze.

how could you?

re-think.

did you?

process…

nah.

but, what if?

rationalize.

GET BEHIND ME SATAN.

2-Ply

hormones.

alleles.

chromosomes.

nature feels.

i

want

in.

underneath my skin...

deep within the tissues where i would hide between its layers when i didn't want anyone to see me shedding.

"suck it up," i'd tell myself as i held my breath, balled up the issue, & tucked in the grief.

no real proof that people could see 

since everyone thinks the weight "looks good" on me.

but i'm only plump in these places because there's no more room left on my shoulders.

so many pounds of tissue clinging to my fragile frame.

threatening to burst at seams i never used to have, 

stretching my skin, 

spreading me thin.

but i

want

in.

i need in.

so i no longer consume my feelings.

i lighten up & burn them into the atmosphere instead,

addicted to the fervor in which they burn back. 

in love with the pain of working out my kinks

and feeling myself.

thinking out loud...

...& now here you are, saying sorry again. but the flowers from last time haven't even died yet.

thinking out loud...

I will never understand neither a black man’s hatred for black women nor a man's hatred for women in general. I'm using the word "man" very loosely here, by the way. Social networks are very interesting in that I get to see the many ways people think, most times raw and uncut. And it amazes me how many times I see black men complaining and berating black women in just one day. Every time I scroll through my different timelines I find myself asking "who hurt you?" Y'all do realize that's part of where all hatred comes from right... a place of hurt. Now, I’m not trying to generalize or point blame in the next few things I say; I can only speak on observation and experience. If it doesn’t apply to you then take no offense. Black men…grow your man parts back. To spend so much time sitting on the internet talking about what women are and aren’t is too funny to me in the name of everything you same guys claim are “female traits”. How can you hate women so much then still claim your manhood? How can you hate women so much yet turn around and still want to have sex with us, admire our looks, want us to cook for y’all, and have your babies? And to those black men who hate black women, have you guys not noticed YOUR MOTHERS ARE BLACK? I’m just trying to understand. What’s funny though is that most times the same men who say so many hateful things about women never want to talk about it. I’m a naturally inquisitive person who can’t accept anything, except God, without a bunch of “why” and “how” questions. I have yet to find a man to sit down and have a conversation with me about his hateful views of women yet, especially the black men who hate their own women. How can you stand strong in your views then back out from explaining them once someone comes along and challenges what you’ve said with a simple question, or 7? Lol. I don’t think you can do both. 

To focus on what bothers me the most, Black men…hating black women is an extension of a hatred you have for yourself. I just want to share that. There is no woman out there like a black woman. And I hate to make this a racially divisible thing, but what’s real is what’s real. Black women are damn awesome; there’s no comparison. The complaint about black women I see the most is this “attitude” most of us have. It’s the only complain I see that actually applies to black women specifically. We’re cut from a different cloth, so duh. Every culture and subculture has a particular “attitude” that comes with it. However, taking advantage, lacking actions or feelings of reciprocity, being money hungry, being emotionally damaged, etc. are HUMAN flaws. Not one particular race, gender, or sexuality is the sole owner of any character flaw. Sorry. 

Have you men ever actually looked at your live and your choices? Have y'all ever looked at yourselves and asked why you keep attracting the same kinds of women? Hating black women is a narrow view based on the women YOU know and the women YOU have dealt with. And these women are a reflection of a part or many parts of you. All black women cannot be blamed for your poor choices. At some point in life we all have to accept the fact that our views are directly connected to our experiences and connected to how said experiences have affected us mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually. And your dating experiences start with your choices.

It's okay to still be hurt but don’t be bitter towards all Black women because of your experiences with some. Black women are the only women who know how to truly handle all of the intricacies that come along with a Black man. 

Black women: If you come across a Black man who expresses a hatred towards Black women. RUN!!! 

I’ll end my rant there.

now playing....

Jojo-White Girl in Paris 

Escape. The world is filled with so many things that need attention and people who need love, but not many want to take on THOSE responsibilities.  So many out here trying to beat a clock, testing time's limits to see just how many tasks we can fit into one minute.  It's as if we don't know how to just.....stop.  What are we afraid of? Every second doesn't need to be labeled with a task.  Every minute doesn't have to be a sum of its parts. Sloooooowwwwwwwww down. I have to tell myself this often, because I too feel the need to always be doing SOMEthing.  Even when my feet stop, my brain doesn't stop. Constant motion isn't healthy for anything or anyone; the wear and tear eventually forces you to stop. 

Escape the world some time. Escape yourself. Escape the  self-created demands that seem endless. Sit still, close your eyes, and breathe. 

Find your Paris and stay for awhile.     

Diary

ink

there’s immense power in the stroke of pen

in the stroke of a key

each new cartridge drained to fill an old void

but once ink dries and meets wondering eyes

you are forever in debt to its message

permanence can never be erased permanently

like ink

it can only be covered

shrouded in waiting for someone to come along and just

scratch at the surface

revealing it’s DNA

and whether by tongue or by sight

once it is encoded it forever lives to be unraveled

protect your pen

protect your ink

protect your paper

if you want it to remain invisible

thinking out loud...

it sucks when you only have old pictures of someone to look at, their face frozen in time.  ageless. time that becomes more of a blur with each passing day. a blur only made clear with the same fading pictures.

thinking out loud...

struggling is more than a financial circumstance. as much as i hate to be financially binded, my goal is for that to one day be my ONLY struggle...since, you know, apparently experiencing at least one struggle is life's minimum. however, once all internal struggles are absolved the external ones don't effect much, so there it is; always be under construction on the inside. brokenness begins within, so get your shovel and dig inward for the pieces; enrich yourSELF.

R&B

I miss you

I hear you but I won't listen

I refuse to get caught up in these lines again

chasing the high of the first time I ever heard you

you felt so good to me 

coursing through my veins

dissolving my troubles

cutting off the air to my brain

allowing me to just

chill

you became my life support 

...and then I shared you

trying to mimic our connection with other substance

other people

who knew reality could ruin our bond?

it began to hurt me to let you in 

your meaning jagged with vial remains of others

quickly I had to get you out of my system

I covered up my track record with sleeves of silence 

covered up the shakes with a dance

and withdrew from you

with the snap of my fingers I forgot what you felt like

for a year i couldn't even manage a taste

sitting on my demons

sipping on spirits 

I didn't want to remember

because I couldn't handle your direction

but I miss us

I'm not composed without you

I'm Back

I've been gone for way too long, but I'm is back. 

New ish coming soon. So many things to talk about... :o)