Wishful Thinking

i remembered us today
watched us as an outsider for once
what happened to us?
the us
that used to talk under the stars
basking in their illuminous present
indulging in the presence of each other
all night

you were so tasteful

and everytime i smiled
my chest would hurt from how much you made my heart blush
as it tried to mirror that smile i loved so much
that smile you would emit
each time i would spit some intellect you didnt expect
back when
your kisses were my drug
and your love was my therapy
back when
i would have to pinch myself in the midst of my dreams
just to make sure i wasn't still awake
'cause you were the first to caress me mentally
initially
before trying to get under my skirt
to unearth the most celestial dessert
that would ever grace your lips

you became my bestfriend
and i don't know where he went

im lost

trying to trace my steps back to where i could've lost you
before you lost yourself
before i could find you

but today

as the first few chapters of our story
premiered on the tear-stricken interior of my eyelids
i realized we haven't been hiding
we died before we made it past the prologue
with only our remains on the remaining pages

empty.

the spirit of who we were
transcended to heavenly memories
...gone to a safe place

but do you ever wish they could be resurrected?
i do.

so hold hands with me
as we walk through the valley of the shadow of our death
facing the place where we took our last breath
and finally unbury these burdens we suppressed
in exchange for these empty holes in our chests
fill them with the memories of when we first met

revived.
renewed.
restored.

yea right...

those stars we used to lie under
weren't made for such wishful thinking

Face Me

how can you be so heartless?
...half of your heart is beating inside of me
you willingly placed it there
remember?
you passionately participated in this inception of life
as our lives intertwined in culmination of Love

how could you forget?

as this internal tomb strives
totally dependent on me to survive
where are you?
you mean Love HAS to die?
why?
to spare YOUR convience?
how convenient.
did you pick out the color of the casket already?
what shall we engrave on this stone we're casting...
"gone AND forgotten"?
'cause clearly you premeditated this murder

you never wanted Love to live
even if there weren't wordly worries to deter us

there's no love lost for you
no tears shed
no heartache
no protest
although you wanted me to believe different
which i did
misinterpreting your sighs of relief with sighs of grief
but now i know better

and i can't believe you

you'll never know what it's like to be in my position
bonding
attatching
embodied
from the very moment i unearthed this
but really?
Love isn't worth it
to you?
well...
i breathe this
EVERYday
while you abondon Love
like every man of my past
is this all life has
for me?
constantly chasing the back of people's heads
backs turned to reality
feet moving too quickly for me to keep up

i don't aspire to be a track star
i lose everytime

i don't want to run
i don't want to chase
i just want to see your face
facing mine
for once
since i'll never get the chance
to face Love

Sorry Love

can't talk about the superficial
let alone the deeper issue
so i leave all of the pain
in this tear soaked kleenex tissue
broken
by this impending dismissal
of Love

im falling to pieces

so unsteady
cant sleep heavy
with such a burdened heart
and such a heavy chest
my body is never at rest
tossing and turning in the night
trying to find comfort under this comforter
in the same spot where we conceptualized
our Love
never felt a premature spiritual attatchment
greater than this
life inside of death
who could picture it?

not me
not this

yet here i am

sick to my stomach
from swallowing these tears
so i wont drown in the misery
of never being able to bear the fruit of this labor

im sorry Love.

Angel In Disguise

i want to show you that i'm grown up now
no more games
no more lies
no more pains
no more cries
'cause as much as I try
to play like I’m tough
i'm still a slave
to your indentured love
it shackles my soul
and captures my mind
then takes me on an impeccable middle passage
of a one of a kind
impossible to find
unconditional love
see i lucked up
but i fucked up
now this metaphor of love
is a fading memory
and a fantasy reborn
now i'm left to mourn
over a premature phantasm unlived
and
every night
i watch the agonizing movie of our past
on the now tear stricken interior of my eyelids
i see in my mind
pain, lies and cries
as it rewinds
over and over again
but
i’m pressing stop now
let’s take it from the top now
i'm no longer afraid to admit it
‘cause I see now
matter fact
i saw it all along
yet singing the same song
knowing i did you wrong
and i’m sorry
from the bottom of my heart
i want a new start
so can you open your heart
open your mind
open your ears
and take the time
to listen

i see now...
you were truly a blessing

**written February 13, 2007

Dreaming Reality

i see
nothing
i hear
nothing

there’s no water

no food
no light
no people

i am alone

the air is thick
as starvingly grasp it
dying
to breathe

the ground is hot
on my bare feet
as the dry sand cuts
my sun burned toes

no trees
no shade

i am thirsty

i drink my thoughts
trying to survive
but the sun is melting my soul
til’ there is nothing
left

i try to think of home
the huge oak trees
in the spring
the cold wet rain
in the fall
but nothing is working
my mind is slowly
fading

and then...

i wake up
to my dreams

Ruthless Reflection

i take steps forward
to only take steps back
and end up right back
where i once turned my back
i turned my back to immaturity
and all of my insecurities
turned my back to all the stress
and unecessary BS
to turn around and make a mess
anyway
because i put my faith behind me
and my flesh before me
and somehow
slipped into the cracks of the mirror i broke
when i no longer liked the reflection of myself
see
i hated what i would see
'cause i knew it wasnt me
but i was so trapped behind what i thought was my reflection
unknowingly staring into a 2-way mirror
where, oblivious to me, there was another side
a more positive side
a better side of myself to be explored
an exploration in which i became allured
with the potentiality of vicissitude
but i slipped into the cracks of that same mirror
so im back to hating what i see
reflecting on things that deserve no recollection
fooling myself with my own reflection
thinking im looking at perfection
when the mirror is insidiously deceiving me
causing me to hurt the people i care about most
and convincing them that there is no hope
in me ever ridding my life of this poisonous oak
trimmed mirror
but now i realize
the only way to legitimately make things clearer
is to turn off the 2-way mirror
not try to break it
not try to escape it
just simply turn it off
so i can see myself for who i really am
and continue to progress forward
without the danger of reflecting back
on the reflection of who i once was

**written September 14, 2009

Flesh

as i sit and address the mess
i used to suppress
and stress over my flesh
causing me to regress
to a place where i was so blessed
with the strength to walk away from
i find myself transgressing
obsessing over unscrupulous desires
‘cause
as i was “gassed and passed”
bashed and trashed
i was gashed and slashed
by cupid’s arrow
not lightly pricked into eternal love
but cut deep with no warning thereof
and
left with battle wounds
that require never-ending mending
‘cause if the tending ever ends
the bleeding will begin
and my heart will exhaust
causing more love lost
and exposure of my flesh so infected
infested
unprotected
rejected
neglected
and connected
to a deep desire for satisfaction
through unconsecrated passion
but this distractin attraction
and lustful satisfaction
is an iniquitous action
in the eyes of He who is holyc
ause as i slowly
let my flesh lead me astray
i displace myself futher away
from the very reason in which i pray
in turn
causing ppl to push me away
to protect from any further dismay
and assure their ability to obey
which is okay
but

it wasn't s'posed to be this way...

**written April 14, 2009

Amen.

im so lost
screaming to be found
im pleading so loudly
yet there's no sound
'cause there appears to be
nobody left to listen
no empathetic recognition
of my stressful condition
in this conflicting position
between insanity and cognition
caught in this silent emotional cyclone
left abandoned and alone
seemingly all on my own
in this world full of tradin places
disgraces
and changin faces
...but in ALL cases
nothing replaces or erases the basis
that amazing Your grace is
i just have to embrace it
and replace this somber silence with loud praises
....to your name.

Amen.

**written August 14, 2009

CHECK & MATE

as i stand in the shower
i let the water have all the power
to cleanse me of my recent impurities
'cause at the end of the day
i can wash this all away
and let you have ur false sense of security
'cause i played you like a game of chess
with "i love you's" of abberation
and tears of manipulation
LOL
and you fell for it with no hesitation
while i strategically reaped my reparation
CHECK AND MATE!
see, you tried to desecrate my sanity
get yours and then laugh at me
HA! EPIC FAIL!
my pride and dignity will always prevail
and i'll laugh at you 'cause to no avail
behind me you will always trail
as i make it a point to constantly remain
atleast two moves ahead of the game
so standing here in complete disdain
watchin the grime of you run down the drain
i also let any residual of you flow out of my brain
and vow to never stoop to that again'cause in the end
this promiscuous win
wasn't even worth it; you're too easy
so using you doesn't even please me
plus i'm supposed to be better than that
better than puttin on an act
just to prove i can always distract
you from where you're supposed be
'cause that should make anybody uneasy
the fact that u can stray so easily
TSK TSK TSK
well, they say bad things come in threes
three weeks [here]
three days [late]
three strikes [you're out]
but beyond any reasonable doubt
there's a set of three i know that comes without
any negativity within or near it
the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit
where i will always be and always have been
so no matter what you can NEVER win
'cause with my faith you can't break me ever again
AMEN.

**written November 9, 2009

un[conscience].

10 years ago today
I lost my self
lost my mind
lost the very blood that courses through my veins
in a massive hemmorhage of sudden abandonment
left in complete shock

weak.
confused.
room spinning.

all of the manifestations of consternation
except the pressure was high
and i was flushed with fury
and red with resentment
because i couldn't grasp on to my new reality

cold.
numb.
unable to comprehend.

inhospitable.

10 years ago today i lost my bestfriend
lost the very blood that courses through my veins
in a massive hemmorhage of sudden abandonment
left in complete shock

...and i've been un[conscience] ever since.

**written December 3, 2009

R.I.P Mommy

Shape Up.

while you're with me
it's evident you're not with me
i see your mind
continuously wandering
to the other angle of this triangle
and u isometrically always seem to find your way there
as you present yor presence here
but for what?
no need to wander
if that's actually where you want to be
no need to venture to my side
if you're still going to be focused on the other
to some degree

so how 'bout this...

how 'bout i take the eraser of this pencil
and totally remove my side from this incongruent triangle
that way you'll no longer have to equate my addition to the perimeter
to distract you
trying to make this triangle equilateral
when it's not
remember though...
i'm the obtuse angle of this figure
so although i won't be there
while you find comfort settling acutely in that space
my unbalancing inexistance won't be able to be ignored
because you'll constantly be gazing at the huge void
where the biggest part of your love used to exist

shape up.

Puzzle Peace

go ahead
attempt to swim laps in the depths of my mind
like everyone else
i guarantee you'll get tired
the consequence for attempting to dive in my head first
but i won't leave you hanging once you exhaust from getting lost
within my mind's dark labyrinth of complexity
here...
quench your thirst with my creative juices
and take a warm bath in my heart sourrounded by walls covered with red velvet
but pardon its black tinge of deprivation
it's still recovering from injury
relax
take a leisurely ride through my veins
and allow their gentle flow to silently narrate your exploration
through every part of me
but don't be fooled by the mislabeled arrows pointing you in the direction of "fun"
those are my high velocity arteries
and their appearance is deceiving
trust me
that's no water slide
you won't be able to breath
choking on my intricasies
because no nourishment to feed your lungs exists there
so stay clear
and take the slow route
'cause you don't want to speed on my roadways of love
some areas are icy
and the only way to successfully navigate them is by paying attention
caution
watch for flashing lights when school's in session
u can gain insight through my pupils
the only place where light exists enough to reflect what's really on my mind
it's just up to you to invert the mirror image in order to get to my good side
meaning
you must be patient to ride this ride
and find joy in taking your time
understand that the little things are the ticket
redeemable for a seemingly worthless prize
a puzzle box
THE puzzle box
that captures the beautiful picture of my otherwise
distorted reality
for you
to use as a schematic when trying to piece me together
to represent the snapshot of my potential
captured on that empty puzzle box

Truth Is Pt. 2

...but
despite your unrequited patience
your translation of frustration
into desecrating degradation
has no probable explanation
you just dont trust us
and that's blatant
but remember
i dont trust us either
part of our never-ending cypher
never to be deciphered
since this is bigger than just us now
bigger than how much we disagree
and argue over petty pet peeves
it's about what I have to grieve
over what cant be conceived
since you selfishly make it clear
there's an "I" in our two person team
and no way to turn first letter in"me"
upside down to make it translate into"we"
'cause alone I have to deal with it
and it's ME that has to feel this shit
since clearly there's no U in this
anymore
and if this is you taking score
the wrongs i've done before
your current behavior is no reciprocal for
so damn rite i count it as strikes against you
when i think about what you maintained through
and the apologies way long overdue
you make it easy for me not to feel bad for you
i cant care about someone that doesnt care for me too
ALL of the the time

man, fuck this rhyme...

Truth Is

most people try to form a brigade of persuasion
to insidiously destroy this foundation i created
in protection of my inner most vulnerabilities
but you
you innocently stripped me
naked
raw
penetrated these impenetrable walls
exposing all of my flaws
then gently loved every one of them
unconditionally
you coddled my insecurites and spooned with my pride
tasted my bitterness then harmonized it with sweet kisses
and swept me off my feet whenever i was at my weakest
but most of all you accepted me for my uniqueness
impregnating me with love
but all of the above
i can never speak of
because i've already spoken so much
against you
never truly portraying all of the good you did do
thinking you owed me "in return" for me
loving you 

i wasnt ready

afraid to be loved
in fear of not being loved back
or not knowing how to reciprocate with what i've never had
i premeditated our end before we started
trying to force you to part ways with feelings yet departed
i killed you
helped create this monster you've imparted
what a mess
all of the innocence you did have left
is now lost in the shadows of our untimely death
never to be resuscitated
and i hate it
because truth is
my misery sucked the soul out of you
in its selfish need of company

a simple sentiment...

‎"im doin' me" is nothing but a sugar coated way to say "you're just an option"

a simple sentiment...

just as unstable as reality, a limb can unexpectedly snap at any moment when faced with too much to bear...but i still hate to go out on one alone

a simple sentiment...

we're always so stuck up in our heads that we forget to look down and acknowledge what keeps us grounded...our feet.

a simple sentiment...

miscommunication is the root of all evil. & the solution is so simple...but that's also what makes it so hard.

Eye Spy

don't look into my eyes
and i wont look into yours either
'cause as u open them wider
exposing your internal "insiders"
it all makes sense
too much sense
and since i prefer not to see
i willingly pass on the VIP passes to the e-motion picture you try to disguise
behind your eyes
the story you cant hide
that constantly tries
to find a release through me
each time i look at you
of all of the cries
all of the lies
the heartwrenching goodbyes
and retrospectively regretful hi's
turned lows
the disappointments
the struggles
the culmination of all of your troubles

they shout to be discovered

yearning to be recovered
seeking to be sought within your aperatures of insight
only to be fooled everytime
by the corneal protective glass door impeding its only exit
ridiculed by illuminating hope
falsely promsing an escape from those black holes of confinement
you created
so close and seemingly tangible
but unfortunately still out of reach

however

such an impedement for you
serves as a looking glass for me
allowing me to see through the darkness of your depth
sucked into your black holes
rather than shut out
tuned in with your silence
your spirit speaks to me
explaining the inexplicable
with just one glance through your looking glass

but sadly
your eyes never truly correlate with the upward turn of the corners of your mouth
as you part your lips to say
"im fine"
& i fear all of this someone can see behind mine
so please do me a favor and

just dont look into my eyes

a simple sentiment...

worrying so much about what other people think and feel only causes you to confuse your own judgements with theirs. you can't become consmed in the thoughts and feelings of others...that's how u lose yourself.

Crippling Disappointment

you said you would always be there for me

"no matter what"

but now

as i am too weak to stand alone amongst this storm we created

being torn apart

by this harsh wind u selfishly left me out to dry in

i see my blind trust in those words was in vain

so here i lie

crippled to this fetal position

helplessly watching my faith in u become destroyed as well

lost forever in this dark overcast

of my spirit

Chronic Silence

my brain is constipated

packed with remnants of indigestible thought processes

unable to regurgitate them into words

heart burning

sending fire through my esophagus

destroying the only passageway through which my screams can resonate

forcefully silencing me

stifling me

slaying me slowly

from the inside

out

Intercepted Deception

twisted turmoil of tainted tears

fueling your fears

& feeding your ears

full of feelings your heart aches to feel

while it feverishly fiends my strawberry fields...forever

together

floating through a flawlessly fabricated fantasy

inhaling the smoke screen you breed as we breath

high off false hope's lies

choking on the second hand smoke in diguise

that i originally supplied

deceiving myself with the defense i devised

in an attempt to trade my lows with your highs