Matter Mind

my baseline is basic
dazzling the basis of humanity
and interpreted as mere normalcy to those with depth
those who speak my language
a dialect interpreted as "deep"
by he who swims in shallow water
placing glitter around every word spoken
as if they're gold
truly amused by the simple two step they do across a page
distracted from the steps of unspoken meaning
dancing in between the lines
the steps to step to
complex substance
mixing of interrelational compounds
substance that matters
eons of ionic bonds
called understanding
cant run thoses bases
you get nothing but the basics
also.known.as
my simplest form
simplicity deciphered complex

sorry.

A-Flutter

before it was so loud
but the rain whispers to me now
the wind playfully purrs in my ear
and the sun bathes me in its smile
even when overcasted by the darkest clouds
what
is
this?
this inexplicable essence
this interception on reality
permanent pause
inception's interception
heart touched down
home
where life exists
breathing its existence through my skin
and under my left breast
creating a beat
like none ive ever danced to
a fluttering rhythm unfamiliar to my finger tips
as they sensually tap
into a world that transcends time
and space
a world that i once thought
only existed in my dreams
because
i could never reach my heart before

Sharpie

flashbacks backslash
memories i'll never forget
you already forgot
while still i climb
constantly visiting nostalgia's peak
snowed in its dysfunction
lungs suffocating in its altitude
heart catching its cold
and that's okay
im human
flawed
weak
permeable to pain
impermeable to closure
it never sinks in
repelled by my natural scent
my skin
a tally board for your failed attempts
and bullshit intentions
marked in red
bleeding
painting me in the color of error
because you failed
me
erroneously
and that's okay
im human
shit happens
you happened
and
everyday i'll continue
feverishly scrubbing at this scarlet shroud
your broken promises perspiring from my brow
dripping down my face
stinging my eyes in constant reminder
that i still cant see
until my vision is no longer distorted
no longer
stained
by this hue of you

Houdini

i tucked you
away
in a fading folder
in a beat box
deep down in a
dry rot
dark drawer

far...

...far

far...

away

out of sight
out of mind
out of heart
out of
existence
released from memory
shackled to the past
so...
how in hell
am i staring your ass
in the face
yet again

WTF

Pencil Sharpener

sometimes i cry
and it surprises me every time as this unfamiliar substance
falls from my eyes
tears
tangibly forcing the reality of my evacuated emotion
lacrimation pooling at my feet deep
enough for an olympic swimmer to practice his back stroke
and i try to make sense of this weather
but i come up with nothing
since at six
i can never find the news accidently...on purpose
i dont know how to channel it
so i always miss the forecast attempting to elude its precipitating truth
as i hide deep within logic
consumed
suffocating in concrete by choice
innately attached to earth but electively detached from self
heart hushed with duct tape that will do more damage if ripped off
so leave it alone
let me translate its morse code blues for you
'cause i wont let you get close enough
not even through my poetry
don't assume these words flow from a pen
you'll be sadly mistaken
when you find out
its ink is silenced by the cap i place on its potential to permanently ink
my subconscience on paper
words too convicting
an innocent incendiary caught in the crossfire of the tears that fuel my pens
and the tears that escape from closed eyes
inadvertent inequity quashed quietly
nobody is ready for their execution
not even me
that's why i write in pencil

Pandora's Playlist

muted beauty
ballad beyond words singing to my being
cymbals lysing our walls symbolizing our applause
as we
share this moment
transcending time and space
drifting through fingers floating with uniformity
vindicated victim to its
vibrato
treble troubles beneath our feet
inferior to this peace paced
perfectly
penetrating our internal rhythms with a
binary beat of connotation cleffing the tempo
harmonizingly moving us both
each time’s signature signifying progression

turn

the

page

here lies the bridge
orchestrating a conduit of correlation
where we travel through a crescendo of common measure
making time more translucent
so i now see the
angels harping around your heart
fluttering their wings to strum the pulse of your breath
and you
now see the bars protecting mine
pitched in falsetto
are actually delicate lines of music composed to serenade its brokenness
and these revelations
are amplified through the acoustics of this theater
echoing epiphany’s symphony
and metaphysically skyrocketing us to a cosmic interrelation
without us ever leaving our seats

finalmente.

When Darkness Falls

1:43 AM
love me in this mourning
when light has succumbed to the darkness of night
not to be reincarnated til the
resurrecting sun shines light on the fact that you're still here
in the morning
fill my void existence with life
when the city is living in slow motion and productivity is paused
move me with the positive energy of your presence
while earth is at a stand still

don't allow its darkness to consume me

'cause it tends to confuse me with one of its committed inhabitants
when one of devil's advocates conveniently comes out of hiding
every night
as the moon illuminates the digits on the clock
3:02
but it isn't my time
so please don't mind my
agonizing anxiety everytime night falls
taunting me with memories
of the dark abyss of abandonment where i found comfort for so long

the years of my youth vacationed there

find comfort in my fear with understanding
so that
in the midst of every night's chastizing chokehold on my dreams
i can find comfort within your resuscitative embrace of life support
manifesting its effervesence as my night light
because i am
afraid
of the dark

Flowing From My Heart...Forever

i want to write you a love song

and play it for you in memory of us

compose for you lines of the trust we drew to outline our beautiful adventure

filling it with colorful verses of the time we spent together painting our perfect picture of love

and i want to perform our song

dance for you to the pulse of my heart’s metronome that perfectly matches the beat of yours

and sing the silenced words you taught me to resonate when i miss you the most

but a song is not enough

our love stretches beyond any measure

beyond any melody recognizable to the human ear

‘cause we’ve always had our own rhythm

unable to be grasped by anyone other than us

an undying tree of potential

stretching far beyond the atmosphere

to where the procreation of our intertwined spirits lives eternally

nobody can touch it

nor can they transcend above it

except for God

who is responsible for lovingly allowing us to birth such purity

through a relationship that sailed through the calmest of the storm

to the most treacherous rapids of rapidly flooding emotion

that you gently taught me to “just flow” with

so that i may find peace within our fears

with you

once i stopped fighting against your current

i could finally see the devotion of your patience reflecting off of still waters

and now as i reflect on those same waters through our stream of memories

i realize that you were selflessly protecting me the entire time

practically drowning in my misery for me

so that i could keep my head above water to witness what strength really looks like

you restored my heart strings pulled too many times by lies and broken promises

and softly strummed the sweetest tune to sooth its wounds

a tune i still hum in my darkest of nights as i

rock myself to sleep blanketed in the warm reminiscence of every way you touched me

intangibly

you prepared me for these hard times

paid close attention to my fraternal emptiness

and filled it

with protective masculinity that you didn’t even know you were capable of emitting from your own abandoned spirit

built a foundation of expectations that i should have been exposed to from birth

expectations that not one person after you has lived up to yet

job well done my pisces partner in passion

you selflessly loved me to the point of dependency

then even more selflessly you let go of your grip on my heart strings

stood back and watched as, like a balloon, i floated away in the undercurrents of the wind

just so i could learn how to navigate them too

our final goodbye couldn’t have been sweeter, although it was masked with bitter sorrow at the time

now

in absence of you

i have grown to understand, accept, and appreciate your distinction

so that when i think of you

tears collect in your favorite dimple on the right side of my smile

because i know when times get hard

i can always look up at any tall tree in remembrance of us

with assurance that the spirit of our love is still resting in the same nest where we placed it long ago

promising each other that we would never forget what we created together

Solitaire

we're all born to play
on defense
which makes perfect sense
since
even if you don't play the game
it doesn't exempt being played with
no offense...
nobody gets benched
and that’s some bullshit
what if we get tired?
constantly being taught life, love, and relationships
are nothing
but a game
cleverly masked by a politically correct name:
"survival of the fittest"
HA!
it's more fitting to call it
"survival of the slickest"
'cause
we blatantly bluff compassion
and
radically renege love
in
strategy to "outsmart" each other
pre-determining roles on the top of the score sheet
"me" vs. "you"...(aka “the fool”)
tallying 1ups under "me"
and
man downs under “you”
consumed so much in having the upper hand that
we only face our face cards
oblivious to what lies hiding beneath them
...the OTHER joker in the game
the guaranteed fool
blindly betting on the setbacks of everyone else
trying to fool the hand you were originally dealt
with lies of triumph you dealt yourself
never really realizing
we’re really playing ourselves...

claiming all of these wins when it’s not even in the cards

Over You

you sunk so low

that you

foolishly

buried yourself

i didnt even have to pick up my shovel

of flaws to help

you dug your own grave

filled it up with all your dirt

now lie

desperately

suffocating

while i sit back and smirk

'cause

where your existence now dwells

is the same inescapable grave

where you tried to bury my sanity

instead

but

im still standing

six feet over

you

Love Thyself

i masturbate

mentally

quite frequently

making thought provoking love

to my psyche

probing it

from every possible perspective

to the point where i surprise my damn self

with how much saturated pain

ejaculates from my brain

in the form of spirited prose


thoughts at my fingertips


i mean...

who else

other than myself

is capable of such climactic mental stimulation

...?


dont worry, i'll wait.....

On Top :|Mind Sex Pt. 2|:

unbutton my apprehension
and
kiss the womb of my intuition
while penetrating my cognition
as if you’re on commission for every exchange
of heart
slowly undress me
in security
and gently stroke
my ego
savor the sweetest kiss of understanding
as you spiritually explore my ins
and outs
sending chills up my spine
that stimulate my mind
in attempt to find that spot
deep
in my cerebrum
where my metaphysical G-spot is

lie back

succumb to the enigma of my pleasure dome
as you become entranced
with how deep the capacity of my brain really goes
and
how blissfully intense this river of my ambition flows
as i
ascend your mountain of gratuitous patience
dying of mental malnutrition
feeding off your erudition
on top of your world

my favorite position

The Lying, The Bitch, & Your Wardrobe

as you sit there

basking

in spiteful satisfaction

remember

every action

has an equal or opposite reaction

so

as i fashion this matchin' outfit

of your audacious callousness

dont be so surprised...

...

...i have on your clothes

Wishful Thinking

i remembered us today
watched us as an outsider for once
what happened to us?
the us
that used to talk under the stars
basking in their illuminous present
indulging in the presence of each other
all night

you were so tasteful

and everytime i smiled
my chest would hurt from how much you made my heart blush
as it tried to mirror that smile i loved so much
that smile you would emit
each time i would spit some intellect you didnt expect
back when
your kisses were my drug
and your love was my therapy
back when
i would have to pinch myself in the midst of my dreams
just to make sure i wasn't still awake
'cause you were the first to caress me mentally
initially
before trying to get under my skirt
to unearth the most celestial dessert
that would ever grace your lips

you became my bestfriend
and i don't know where he went

im lost

trying to trace my steps back to where i could've lost you
before you lost yourself
before i could find you

but today

as the first few chapters of our story
premiered on the tear-stricken interior of my eyelids
i realized we haven't been hiding
we died before we made it past the prologue
with only our remains on the remaining pages

empty.

the spirit of who we were
transcended to heavenly memories
...gone to a safe place

but do you ever wish they could be resurrected?
i do.

so hold hands with me
as we walk through the valley of the shadow of our death
facing the place where we took our last breath
and finally unbury these burdens we suppressed
in exchange for these empty holes in our chests
fill them with the memories of when we first met

revived.
renewed.
restored.

yea right...

those stars we used to lie under
weren't made for such wishful thinking

Face Me

how can you be so heartless?
...half of your heart is beating inside of me
you willingly placed it there
remember?
you passionately participated in this inception of life
as our lives intertwined in culmination of Love

how could you forget?

as this internal tomb strives
totally dependent on me to survive
where are you?
you mean Love HAS to die?
why?
to spare YOUR convience?
how convenient.
did you pick out the color of the casket already?
what shall we engrave on this stone we're casting...
"gone AND forgotten"?
'cause clearly you premeditated this murder

you never wanted Love to live
even if there weren't wordly worries to deter us

there's no love lost for you
no tears shed
no heartache
no protest
although you wanted me to believe different
which i did
misinterpreting your sighs of relief with sighs of grief
but now i know better

and i can't believe you

you'll never know what it's like to be in my position
bonding
attatching
embodied
from the very moment i unearthed this
but really?
Love isn't worth it
to you?
well...
i breathe this
EVERYday
while you abondon Love
like every man of my past
is this all life has
for me?
constantly chasing the back of people's heads
backs turned to reality
feet moving too quickly for me to keep up

i don't aspire to be a track star
i lose everytime

i don't want to run
i don't want to chase
i just want to see your face
facing mine
for once
since i'll never get the chance
to face Love

Sorry Love

can't talk about the superficial
let alone the deeper issue
so i leave all of the pain
in this tear soaked kleenex tissue
broken
by this impending dismissal
of Love

im falling to pieces

so unsteady
cant sleep heavy
with such a burdened heart
and such a heavy chest
my body is never at rest
tossing and turning in the night
trying to find comfort under this comforter
in the same spot where we conceptualized
our Love
never felt a premature spiritual attatchment
greater than this
life inside of death
who could picture it?

not me
not this

yet here i am

sick to my stomach
from swallowing these tears
so i wont drown in the misery
of never being able to bear the fruit of this labor

im sorry Love.

Angel In Disguise

i want to show you that i'm grown up now
no more games
no more lies
no more pains
no more cries
'cause as much as I try
to play like I’m tough
i'm still a slave
to your indentured love
it shackles my soul
and captures my mind
then takes me on an impeccable middle passage
of a one of a kind
impossible to find
unconditional love
see i lucked up
but i fucked up
now this metaphor of love
is a fading memory
and a fantasy reborn
now i'm left to mourn
over a premature phantasm unlived
and
every night
i watch the agonizing movie of our past
on the now tear stricken interior of my eyelids
i see in my mind
pain, lies and cries
as it rewinds
over and over again
but
i’m pressing stop now
let’s take it from the top now
i'm no longer afraid to admit it
‘cause I see now
matter fact
i saw it all along
yet singing the same song
knowing i did you wrong
and i’m sorry
from the bottom of my heart
i want a new start
so can you open your heart
open your mind
open your ears
and take the time
to listen

i see now...
you were truly a blessing

**written February 13, 2007

Dreaming Reality

i see
nothing
i hear
nothing

there’s no water

no food
no light
no people

i am alone

the air is thick
as starvingly grasp it
dying
to breathe

the ground is hot
on my bare feet
as the dry sand cuts
my sun burned toes

no trees
no shade

i am thirsty

i drink my thoughts
trying to survive
but the sun is melting my soul
til’ there is nothing
left

i try to think of home
the huge oak trees
in the spring
the cold wet rain
in the fall
but nothing is working
my mind is slowly
fading

and then...

i wake up
to my dreams

Ruthless Reflection

i take steps forward
to only take steps back
and end up right back
where i once turned my back
i turned my back to immaturity
and all of my insecurities
turned my back to all the stress
and unecessary BS
to turn around and make a mess
anyway
because i put my faith behind me
and my flesh before me
and somehow
slipped into the cracks of the mirror i broke
when i no longer liked the reflection of myself
see
i hated what i would see
'cause i knew it wasnt me
but i was so trapped behind what i thought was my reflection
unknowingly staring into a 2-way mirror
where, oblivious to me, there was another side
a more positive side
a better side of myself to be explored
an exploration in which i became allured
with the potentiality of vicissitude
but i slipped into the cracks of that same mirror
so im back to hating what i see
reflecting on things that deserve no recollection
fooling myself with my own reflection
thinking im looking at perfection
when the mirror is insidiously deceiving me
causing me to hurt the people i care about most
and convincing them that there is no hope
in me ever ridding my life of this poisonous oak
trimmed mirror
but now i realize
the only way to legitimately make things clearer
is to turn off the 2-way mirror
not try to break it
not try to escape it
just simply turn it off
so i can see myself for who i really am
and continue to progress forward
without the danger of reflecting back
on the reflection of who i once was

**written September 14, 2009

Flesh

as i sit and address the mess
i used to suppress
and stress over my flesh
causing me to regress
to a place where i was so blessed
with the strength to walk away from
i find myself transgressing
obsessing over unscrupulous desires
‘cause
as i was “gassed and passed”
bashed and trashed
i was gashed and slashed
by cupid’s arrow
not lightly pricked into eternal love
but cut deep with no warning thereof
and
left with battle wounds
that require never-ending mending
‘cause if the tending ever ends
the bleeding will begin
and my heart will exhaust
causing more love lost
and exposure of my flesh so infected
infested
unprotected
rejected
neglected
and connected
to a deep desire for satisfaction
through unconsecrated passion
but this distractin attraction
and lustful satisfaction
is an iniquitous action
in the eyes of He who is holyc
ause as i slowly
let my flesh lead me astray
i displace myself futher away
from the very reason in which i pray
in turn
causing ppl to push me away
to protect from any further dismay
and assure their ability to obey
which is okay
but

it wasn't s'posed to be this way...

**written April 14, 2009

Amen.

im so lost
screaming to be found
im pleading so loudly
yet there's no sound
'cause there appears to be
nobody left to listen
no empathetic recognition
of my stressful condition
in this conflicting position
between insanity and cognition
caught in this silent emotional cyclone
left abandoned and alone
seemingly all on my own
in this world full of tradin places
disgraces
and changin faces
...but in ALL cases
nothing replaces or erases the basis
that amazing Your grace is
i just have to embrace it
and replace this somber silence with loud praises
....to your name.

Amen.

**written August 14, 2009

CHECK & MATE

as i stand in the shower
i let the water have all the power
to cleanse me of my recent impurities
'cause at the end of the day
i can wash this all away
and let you have ur false sense of security
'cause i played you like a game of chess
with "i love you's" of abberation
and tears of manipulation
LOL
and you fell for it with no hesitation
while i strategically reaped my reparation
CHECK AND MATE!
see, you tried to desecrate my sanity
get yours and then laugh at me
HA! EPIC FAIL!
my pride and dignity will always prevail
and i'll laugh at you 'cause to no avail
behind me you will always trail
as i make it a point to constantly remain
atleast two moves ahead of the game
so standing here in complete disdain
watchin the grime of you run down the drain
i also let any residual of you flow out of my brain
and vow to never stoop to that again'cause in the end
this promiscuous win
wasn't even worth it; you're too easy
so using you doesn't even please me
plus i'm supposed to be better than that
better than puttin on an act
just to prove i can always distract
you from where you're supposed be
'cause that should make anybody uneasy
the fact that u can stray so easily
TSK TSK TSK
well, they say bad things come in threes
three weeks [here]
three days [late]
three strikes [you're out]
but beyond any reasonable doubt
there's a set of three i know that comes without
any negativity within or near it
the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit
where i will always be and always have been
so no matter what you can NEVER win
'cause with my faith you can't break me ever again
AMEN.

**written November 9, 2009

un[conscience].

10 years ago today
I lost my self
lost my mind
lost the very blood that courses through my veins
in a massive hemmorhage of sudden abandonment
left in complete shock

weak.
confused.
room spinning.

all of the manifestations of consternation
except the pressure was high
and i was flushed with fury
and red with resentment
because i couldn't grasp on to my new reality

cold.
numb.
unable to comprehend.

inhospitable.

10 years ago today i lost my bestfriend
lost the very blood that courses through my veins
in a massive hemmorhage of sudden abandonment
left in complete shock

...and i've been un[conscience] ever since.

**written December 3, 2009

R.I.P Mommy

Shape Up.

while you're with me
it's evident you're not with me
i see your mind
continuously wandering
to the other angle of this triangle
and u isometrically always seem to find your way there
as you present yor presence here
but for what?
no need to wander
if that's actually where you want to be
no need to venture to my side
if you're still going to be focused on the other
to some degree

so how 'bout this...

how 'bout i take the eraser of this pencil
and totally remove my side from this incongruent triangle
that way you'll no longer have to equate my addition to the perimeter
to distract you
trying to make this triangle equilateral
when it's not
remember though...
i'm the obtuse angle of this figure
so although i won't be there
while you find comfort settling acutely in that space
my unbalancing inexistance won't be able to be ignored
because you'll constantly be gazing at the huge void
where the biggest part of your love used to exist

shape up.

Puzzle Peace

go ahead
attempt to swim laps in the depths of my mind
like everyone else
i guarantee you'll get tired
the consequence for attempting to dive in my head first
but i won't leave you hanging once you exhaust from getting lost
within my mind's dark labyrinth of complexity
here...
quench your thirst with my creative juices
and take a warm bath in my heart sourrounded by walls covered with red velvet
but pardon its black tinge of deprivation
it's still recovering from injury
relax
take a leisurely ride through my veins
and allow their gentle flow to silently narrate your exploration
through every part of me
but don't be fooled by the mislabeled arrows pointing you in the direction of "fun"
those are my high velocity arteries
and their appearance is deceiving
trust me
that's no water slide
you won't be able to breath
choking on my intricasies
because no nourishment to feed your lungs exists there
so stay clear
and take the slow route
'cause you don't want to speed on my roadways of love
some areas are icy
and the only way to successfully navigate them is by paying attention
caution
watch for flashing lights when school's in session
u can gain insight through my pupils
the only place where light exists enough to reflect what's really on my mind
it's just up to you to invert the mirror image in order to get to my good side
meaning
you must be patient to ride this ride
and find joy in taking your time
understand that the little things are the ticket
redeemable for a seemingly worthless prize
a puzzle box
THE puzzle box
that captures the beautiful picture of my otherwise
distorted reality
for you
to use as a schematic when trying to piece me together
to represent the snapshot of my potential
captured on that empty puzzle box

Truth Is Pt. 2

...but
despite your unrequited patience
your translation of frustration
into desecrating degradation
has no probable explanation
you just dont trust us
and that's blatant
but remember
i dont trust us either
part of our never-ending cypher
never to be deciphered
since this is bigger than just us now
bigger than how much we disagree
and argue over petty pet peeves
it's about what I have to grieve
over what cant be conceived
since you selfishly make it clear
there's an "I" in our two person team
and no way to turn first letter in"me"
upside down to make it translate into"we"
'cause alone I have to deal with it
and it's ME that has to feel this shit
since clearly there's no U in this
anymore
and if this is you taking score
the wrongs i've done before
your current behavior is no reciprocal for
so damn rite i count it as strikes against you
when i think about what you maintained through
and the apologies way long overdue
you make it easy for me not to feel bad for you
i cant care about someone that doesnt care for me too
ALL of the the time

man, fuck this rhyme...

Truth Is

most people try to form a brigade of persuasion
to insidiously destroy this foundation i created
in protection of my inner most vulnerabilities
but you
you innocently stripped me
naked
raw
penetrated these impenetrable walls
exposing all of my flaws
then gently loved every one of them
unconditionally
you coddled my insecurites and spooned with my pride
tasted my bitterness then harmonized it with sweet kisses
and swept me off my feet whenever i was at my weakest
but most of all you accepted me for my uniqueness
impregnating me with love
but all of the above
i can never speak of
because i've already spoken so much
against you
never truly portraying all of the good you did do
thinking you owed me "in return" for me
loving you 

i wasnt ready

afraid to be loved
in fear of not being loved back
or not knowing how to reciprocate with what i've never had
i premeditated our end before we started
trying to force you to part ways with feelings yet departed
i killed you
helped create this monster you've imparted
what a mess
all of the innocence you did have left
is now lost in the shadows of our untimely death
never to be resuscitated
and i hate it
because truth is
my misery sucked the soul out of you
in its selfish need of company

a simple sentiment...

‎"im doin' me" is nothing but a sugar coated way to say "you're just an option"

a simple sentiment...

just as unstable as reality, a limb can unexpectedly snap at any moment when faced with too much to bear...but i still hate to go out on one alone

a simple sentiment...

we're always so stuck up in our heads that we forget to look down and acknowledge what keeps us grounded...our feet.

a simple sentiment...

miscommunication is the root of all evil. & the solution is so simple...but that's also what makes it so hard.

Eye Spy

don't look into my eyes
and i wont look into yours either
'cause as u open them wider
exposing your internal "insiders"
it all makes sense
too much sense
and since i prefer not to see
i willingly pass on the VIP passes to the e-motion picture you try to disguise
behind your eyes
the story you cant hide
that constantly tries
to find a release through me
each time i look at you
of all of the cries
all of the lies
the heartwrenching goodbyes
and retrospectively regretful hi's
turned lows
the disappointments
the struggles
the culmination of all of your troubles

they shout to be discovered

yearning to be recovered
seeking to be sought within your aperatures of insight
only to be fooled everytime
by the corneal protective glass door impeding its only exit
ridiculed by illuminating hope
falsely promsing an escape from those black holes of confinement
you created
so close and seemingly tangible
but unfortunately still out of reach

however

such an impedement for you
serves as a looking glass for me
allowing me to see through the darkness of your depth
sucked into your black holes
rather than shut out
tuned in with your silence
your spirit speaks to me
explaining the inexplicable
with just one glance through your looking glass

but sadly
your eyes never truly correlate with the upward turn of the corners of your mouth
as you part your lips to say
"im fine"
& i fear all of this someone can see behind mine
so please do me a favor and

just dont look into my eyes

a simple sentiment...

worrying so much about what other people think and feel only causes you to confuse your own judgements with theirs. you can't become consmed in the thoughts and feelings of others...that's how u lose yourself.

Crippling Disappointment

you said you would always be there for me

"no matter what"

but now

as i am too weak to stand alone amongst this storm we created

being torn apart

by this harsh wind u selfishly left me out to dry in

i see my blind trust in those words was in vain

so here i lie

crippled to this fetal position

helplessly watching my faith in u become destroyed as well

lost forever in this dark overcast

of my spirit

Chronic Silence

my brain is constipated

packed with remnants of indigestible thought processes

unable to regurgitate them into words

heart burning

sending fire through my esophagus

destroying the only passageway through which my screams can resonate

forcefully silencing me

stifling me

slaying me slowly

from the inside

out

Intercepted Deception

twisted turmoil of tainted tears

fueling your fears

& feeding your ears

full of feelings your heart aches to feel

while it feverishly fiends my strawberry fields...forever

together

floating through a flawlessly fabricated fantasy

inhaling the smoke screen you breed as we breath

high off false hope's lies

choking on the second hand smoke in diguise

that i originally supplied

deceiving myself with the defense i devised

in an attempt to trade my lows with your highs

Period.

once a month
im freed from confinement
proclaimed emancipated from my mental ward
allowing my heart to finally flutter freely
allotting time just enough
for us
once a month
to bond without bondage
& get in touch
to exchange knowledge
& just
truly get to know each other
once a month
without the uttering of my judgmental mind
oppressing my heart
by internally discriminating against its God given right
to feel free

once a month
i look forward to hormonally harmonizing with my heart
syncing its rhythm with the womanly woes
i never disclose
in order to prevent being a burden
and being emotionally exposed
connoted as weak
because i'm "such a girl"

so i pose with poise
as "one of the boys"
only pardoned to be a female
once a month...

a simple sentiment...

i dont write for me...i write for those who need a mouthpiece to speak the words they cannot put together for themselves. i speak life to what people think but are too afraid to say...my writings epitomize the seeds for understanding of what is typically misunderstood; for those who are just as lost by their own misconstruities as i am.

80/20: Pick Your Poison

so everyone knows what the 80/20 rule is rite?

"just 80 percent of what you want in a relationship is hard to find so be content with it...don't leave the 80 percent that you already have that for a 20 percent you want for the moment in order to reach the ever elusive 100 percent."

BUT...what constitutes an 80 percent?

here's my theory...

#1. an 80% isn't what is easy:

anything REALLY worth it in life doesn't come without work, but because we live so much in the fast-paced now people tend to want what will bring them happiness the quickest & least involved. however, an 80% will make you work for the 80% as if he/she is 100%

#2. an 80% accepts you but does not enable you:

i am a strong believer in the one you are ultimately supposed to be with is supposed to help you to positively grow and evolve...not be dependent or controlling but inspire you to want to look inwardly and discover your true self.

#3. an 80% loves you unconditionally but will let you go if needed:
someone who is mostly what you want/need will love you as much as he/she can but will not allow him/herself to become so consumed in you that he/she cannot let go despite the circumstances. not letting go is ultimately selfish and an 80% understands that even though the actions of his/her heart may not reflect said understanding.

#4. an 80% has an unforced, undeniable connection never to be compared to another:

i believe who is said to be your 80% connects with you on ALL levels...not just the one's that make you happy. he/she doesnt always agree with you but has the power to completely understand you at the same time...there isn't any other connection as strong.

#5. an 80% is the one who you struggle with the most:

just like how whoever your POSITIVE parental figures are, an 80% will be hard on you. an 80% will want to take care of you and please you but at the same time he/she will not allow those desires to cloud his/her judgement. if you are wrong...an 80% will let you know AND try to help you figure out how to help you help yourself. a lot of the time this comes across as he/she being difficult and controlling...but i've realized that the people who love you the most are the hardest on you because they want to see you be the best you can be...not for themselves, but for you. someone who REALLY loves you like an 80% should cannot sit back and watch you make unwise decisions just to avoid conflict. constructive conflict breeds communication...communication breeds understanding. true understanding...not blind agreeance for the sake of keeping the relationship together...breeds an 80%

in my opinion, a 20% is the lesser quality choice; the choice you choose because the 80% requires too much emotional investment and risk. it's like if you have the choice to invest 80% of your money or 20% of your money into the unknown, which one would you choose? both are risks but one requires more loss than the other if it doesnt work out. & most people in this day don't like to take a leap of faith for what they really believe...instead they pick what will make the chance of being wrong very slim.

although the 80% encompasses what you truly need in a healthy relationship...it does not always clearly expose itself as the most safe and secure choice; however security is what we all desire...and ultimately deserve. BUT...just because you are the one a person desires to be with does NOT secure you as the 80%...you can just as well be the emotionally easier, more convenient, least opposing 20% that i believe most people end up settling for falsely counting it as 80% confusing what is "easy" and what "works" with the "right choice." however, love is not a business deal where you CHOOSE who you want based off of who has the best resume projecting the easiest prospective future. granted, the qualities a person possesses in regards to compatibility & building a future definitely matter but because people often fear strong connections beyond just what can be contributed, where the passion isn't just superficial, they CHOOSE what suffices for their rationale rather than what satisfies their heart. if you are a deemed as "the smarter CHOICE" then you are the 20%

what you want isn't always what you need but what defines the two are often interchanged...therefore confusing the qualities of an 80% with qualities of a 20%

80% is quality with risk...20% is superficial security.

pick your poison...

Express Train

i went throught a lot of friends over the years. i learned early what a REAL friend is...and isnt.

i wonder what my first love is up to...havent heard from him since april :o/

shawn.

when someone im really close to consumes my thoughts it usually means they're goin through something or the consumption is mutual. i hope it's the latter.

i pray you're ok...

who says your soul mate is the one you're supposed to be with? i no longer believe in that.

when i was younger my grandmom used to ask me if i was on speed a lot...that's kinda messed up. just a little bit :o/

when i clean i feel brand new.

i want some new shoes!!! :o)

i really hope this isnt about to be my reality...i dont think i can bear to do it again.

nobody babied these babies when they were actually babies so it seems like we have to baby them now to get through to them...it's like the only way to teach these kids. *smh*

looking at pictures of when i was younger makes me wanna cry for some reason.

i need to let my words sob for me really soon 'cause my tear ducts are so backed up from not allowing myself to cry & i fear what may come of my psyche if i let this carry on...

numb.

the more you do me dirty the less i feel it when you do...im thinkin that may actually be more bad than good.

honestly...i don't feel bad for you & your hurt feelings...you deserve every ounce of pain your heart feels right now.

you have no idea what you did to me.

i miss my mommy :o/

i wonder what my life would be like if she were still here...

pretty wings.

i fear i'll ultimately be alone 'cause i refuse to settle longterm.

everything i do, down to how i feel is well thought out & has reason...even the stupid shit

life is nothing but a series of choices.

either you will or you wont, you do or you don't ...it's that simple.

i feel what i feel like feeling when i feel like feeling it...i just learned how to do that.

when will you let me go? seriously.

this too shall pass.

too much of ANYTHING can ultimately be bad for you...& yes, this statement also applies to what's said to be "good for you"

i wonder if you pushed me away because you were afraid of our connection...

you didnt have to do that...i was afraid too.

twisted turmoil of tainted tears.

i have a thing against capital letters...i feel that they mess up the asthetics of a sentence.

i. dont. know.

in·cep·tion (n.)

i plant the seeds of ideas in the minds of the gullible, & watch as they subliminally nourish them into precarious perennials of uncertainty with their own subconscious, destroying their psyche without even nursing the seeds i originally planted...

a.k.a. i'm a mental terrorist so DONT EFF WITH ME! =)

a simple sentiment...

i dance my pain away & write my tears astray...praying that one day i will be dancing with dry eyes & writing with joy in my heart.

Express Train

**inspired by Goldieee and her thought trains :o) ...go visit her blog Golden Touch please & thank you!

.

.

He truly spoke life to me this morning

.

.

thank God im not what i used to be

.

.

i need to do some cleaning

.

.

if you're not on the same page as me we cant be friends

.

.

my friends are the family i never had

.

.

my strength makes me weak

.

.

last night was amazing

.

.

i love jolly ranchers...the drink & the candy

.

.

i miss my mommy more and more everyday :o/

.

.

im emotionally bipolarly challenged

.

.

i wish i could say "i love you" to my friends without feeling wierd

.

.

dont just spring a hug on me...i need warning 1st

.

.

i remember the 1st time i learned Colonel was pronounced like "kernel"

.

.

my mommy taught me that :o)

.

.

i forget to eat sometimes

.

.

dont live so much in the moment that u forget to plan for the future

.

.

every short cut proves itself to be the long road in the end

.

.

please know...i only need you when it's convenient

.

.

u were the 1st to make me really consider marriage...& then u made me REconsider it in the same breath

.

.

im broken but im also healing

.

.

ugh! these scars...

.

.

i hate the skin i'm in

.

.

im thinking about locking my hair :o)

.

.

black is beautiful

.

.

i need to add some color into my wardrobe

.

.

twitter therapy is very liberating

.

.

is there anything "inappropriate" to blog?

.

.

labels piss me off

.

.

labels have to face forward or else i'll snap on the unorganizational look of it

.

.

DONT MESS UP MY BED...EVER!!!

.

.

feet! ahh!!!

.

.

im afraid of butterflies

.

.

there's a reason for EVERYTHING i do...i never not think 1st

.

.
i do a lot of things i dont really want to do & rationalize it in my mind just to get it over with...mind over matter

.

.

too much of ANYTHING can be bad for you

.

.

i cant wait to turn 21!

.

.

love yourself...flaws & all. (easier said than done i know)

.

.

everything has and needs a format

.

.

i've always envied bamboo

.

.

i dont eat pork but i LOVE bacon :^D

.

.

"[i] dance my pain away"

.

.

freewriting is very releasing

.

.

LAST STOP.

.

.

.

thanks Goldieee...im definitely going to do these more often than not. :o)

Bipolar Me.

-------i love food BUT i hate the mechanics of eating-------------------------------------------i'm a relationship type of person BUT i don't like relationships -----------------------------------------------i love being loved BUT i hate loving back -----------------------------------------------i like my sense of compassion BUT i hate being called sensitive -----------------------------------------------i like to cuddle BUT i don't like to be touched -----------------------------------------------i like to speak my mind BUT i dread verbally expressing myself -----------------------------------------------i love being by myself BUT i hate being alone -----------------------------------------------i hate being ignored BUT i'm afraid of attention -----------------------------------------------i love being misunderstood BUT i want people to understand me -----------------------------------------------i love life BUT i never live-----------------------------------------------i like to take things slow BUT i have no patience -----------------------------------------------i love learning BUT i hate to try new things-----------------------------------------------i love myself BUT i hate who I am -----------------------------------------------i like spontaneity BUT i hate not knowing -----------------------------------------------i love having control BUT i hate being controlling -------------------------------------------------------i care too much BUT i don't care at all -------------------------------------------------------i love my mind BUT i hate how much it thinks -------------------------------------------------------i love to smile & laugh BUT happiness scares me-------------------------------------------------------i hate losing BUT i'm always at a loss -------------------------------------------------------i love questions BUT i hate being questioned-------------------------------------------------------i love a good argument BUT i don't like arguing -------------------------------------------------------i have a lot to say BUT i'd rather say nothing -------------------------------------------------------i have a lot of emotions BUT i don't like to be emotional -------------------------------------------------------i love relating to someone BUT i don't like to have relations -------------------------------------------------------i want to feel BUT i don't want to catch feelings -------------------------------------------------i want to move on BUT i can't bear to truly forgive

i love the things I hate & hate the things i love

BUT

...that's just me.

**written January 26, 2010

Mind Sex

i wish you and i

could have sex

no

not proverbial sex

mind sex

encompassing all of the emotions

and all of the pleasures of

culmination

to have all that is sex

(or what ever lovers make)

but

save the physical

and

focus on my mental

unbutton my cognition

and

undress my mind

penetrate my thoughts

and

stroke the depths of my intellect

taste the sweetest pleasure

of exploring my ins and outs

while i blow

your mind

...

with how deep the capacity of my brain really goes

.

.

**written July 29, 2008

Smoke Screen

although this feeling is incredibe
and our connection is undeniable
what our hearts yearn is so impossible
and we both know this
so we tune out our minds
by turning up the melody of our emotions
so high
so loud
so distracting
that we pay no attention to the world around us
...not even ourselves
so much that
we dont even realize the thermostatic valves of our own hearts
bursting under the pressure
pressure passionately rising
because our feelings are too intense to contain
too strong to fight
too boisterous to ignore
so overpowering that
regardless of any extenuating circumstance
we always end up in the same place
staring in the same face of the inevitably impossible
trying to make it our reality
because settling for this love as just a figment of our hopes
is not enough
not enough to satisfy our hearts' longing for each other
so we settle for our secret instead
our enigma still burning ever so brightly
behind these walls we built together
to contain a flame seemingly impossible to tame
let alone extinguish

our fire is truly our desire
and we paradoxically preserve it

the same flame that burnt us so badly
is the same flame we continue to protect and nourish
the same flame that continues to burn US time after time
is the same flame we refuse to let burn OUT instead
because we'd rather sacrificially burn out first
from exerting ourselves
trying to salvage nothing but a disguised demise
just to be able to say it still exists in our eyes
but why?

why are we willing to destroy ourselves to provide fuel
for the same flame that is ultimately destroying us?

if only walls could talk...
then the walls we built to preserve our once alluring flame
could talk some sense into us
and reveal how ugly this flame has actually become

...cleverly cloaked behind its own smoke

Why Not Just Pull The Plug?

they say, "if you love something or someone let it go & if it comes back then it's yours"

however. what if you let it go & it continually comes back but in chaotic cycles filled with passion, uncertainty & confusion...what does that mean? what does it mean when it keeps coming back to the love with lesser perks? what does it mean when the past, the present, and the presence-of has tainted any feasible future to figure out this dubious dynamic, yet it relentlessly returns to only be let go again....what does that mean?

what does it mean when the cycle continues to repeat itself only because the stop button is broken?...where the only buttons that function are pause rewind & play...in that order.

...why not just pull the plug?

SMH.

i cant bare to sleep after such an act as that
lying on my back
while lying 2 my tact
persuading my rightfully invasive mental
"no need to meddle. it's ok...just settle"
as it plead with my hibernating heart to
"please feel...just this once"

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED.

instead of forcefully subjecting myself
to such lust-filled lenience of emotionless convenience
& all for the self-gratifying spirit of a someone to whom i matter not
only to temporarily satisfy the lustfully pitiful pleading
of my dejected unrequited being

no real rightful reason
just loneliness

no emotion.
no attatchment.
not even mutual satisfaction.

SMH.

...that just meant abolutely NOTHING.